Why am I here? What incomprehensible reason, at this moment in the alleged space and the supposed vacuum of time, belie my birth, my life, my inevitable death and my bastardized existence – which is all too similar to yours to be mine?
Why am I writing with a pen – perhaps because a pencil’s frail words are liable to get lighter and finally disappear after each successive and irrevocable onslaught of time? Does the remedy for existential angst lie in a reference to my pen?
Are all my actions – and yours, directed towards the exercise of each of our wills to exercise control over others? I mean what if the whole deal here is to reach a position where I and you and we together can control the actions of humanity as we know and have divided it? Institutions, multitudes of institutions, have been forged for the same through our hallowed history for the purpose – the Church, the state, the modern-day corporation…Their control gets more insidious down the professed ages; in retrospect more outlandish then more bizarre before falling to the ground knee-first as their absurd existence comes to an end.
Are we ‘approval junkies’? “Monkeys in suits begging for the approval of others” as Jason Statham states in his characteristically muffled voice in Guy Ritchie’s Revolver (2005) or just despots awaiting an opportunity; THE opportunity. Did we really, all of us, ‘get our final vision by clap’? Did I really touch her thigh before ‘death smiled’? (An American Prayer, The Doors). We want to tell the suited monkeys what to think and how to jump and when to stop as we roll away in laughter – amused more by the monkey(s)’ obedience than by his antics.
Is humour, then, the true purpose of my existence and yours? So why are we watching from a distance? Why don’t we jump amid the hilarity ourselves? So we’re oligarchs by nature, then? Born with an innate, but limited, ‘herd mentality’? Must a struggle always be waged to procure the unattainable, the unworldly, the incomprehensible and simply but inescapably the intangible? The futility of my cause enflames desire.
Must you and I journey along consecutive letters of the English alphabet; each letter denoting a separate – and alleged departure from and arrival at a distinct point on a straight, black, hard, horizontal line so perfect in its contour to be almost meaningless in its appeal?
Aren’t we all self-styled Gods perched on bamboo huts atop each other plotting and scheming and whining and stabbing ourselves with subtle, sharp objects – wondering all the while how to get to the hut above though wondering why? Don’t see the curse that the duality of passion, of lust and irrepressible carnal desire truly be? The passionate act of procreation riddled with sin and purpose at the same time? A climax thrusting you to the summit of delight before sucking you into an abyss of guilt, uncertainty and most absurdly of all – the fear of immaculate conception.
Why must I learn from my mistakes today; they are the tales to be told under the garb of wisdom by the children of the future ages. Watch and wait, watch and wait, watch and wait till you think that death hath come to claim thee instants before the war rages all over again.